Loneliness

I've had two very difficult weeks pain-wise and experienced the deep disappointment of having to cancel my involvement in a pastoral leaders' conference in Christchurch a few weeks from now. There have been a number of big losses in my life over the past 9 weeks of this illness--trip to the U.S., teaching at Temple Unviersity in their executive MBA, loss of physical capabilities and debilitating pain, withdrawal from my primary work responsibilities and so forth. I am grieving many of these things right now and seeking to get to a better place physically. Experiencing such losses as well as the horrible pain have been through, have been very draining emotionally.

I am trying to listen to those closest in to me regarding my limits and boundaries I need to set for myself, particularly in this time of recovering from such a serious illness. Some of my medical providers were concerned about my level of activity . . . I have a tough time just chilling.

The cancellation of my involvement at Christchurch was particularly flattening emotionally as I have so long anticipated leading that conference. The cancellation was a reminder as to how deeply my life has been impacted by the spinal infection. Naomi and I met with the infectious disease doctor today. Sometime next week, I hope to finally finish my course of treatment via I.V. and get my pic line out. I have been told that getting off the megadoses of the medication should help me feel better. There are some months of rehabilitation ahead and still the uncertainty as to what will happen when I go off of the antibiotic. We are praying that the infection has been eliminated and that I can proceed on to rehab but there is also the very real possibility that the infection is not gone and my infections levels will go back up--this most likely will require spinal surgery. My infection levels will be checked weekly for the next few months and we wait and see.

Naomi continues to be on the job search--this at times is very discouraging for her. Today both of us have really felt deep loneliness. We have been welcomed by so many wonderful people here in New Zealand. Relationships, however, take time to develop and for me, particularly right now, the absence of my close friends and the home we had in Pennsylvania--are deeply missed. There is an aching loneliness being so far from those we love deeply (particularly our children) and from that place called home.

We are committed to being here in New Zealand and believe that God has purposes for us here. But right now we are at that painful stage of living in the fog of difficult trials and it is confusing, bewildering . . . we don't know what God has in mind nor his timing.

We are both reminded of God's gracious provision for us . . . for good medical care, for a roof over our head (though at times cold and damp), for the amazing support of my Laidlaw friends/colleagues, for friends here and in the U.S. and for God's daily grace to us. One of the things that have brightened our lives is our mandarin orange tree. The oranges are amazing, the sweetest oranges we have ever had and the colors are declarative of hope!